hiatus

a fitting word. i just returned from california. i could try to make it sound poetic, but i can't. my father-in-law passed away. there is no more poetic way to say it. it was the most tragic, horrendous, amazing experience of my life.

three years ago, i sat by my grandma's bed when she died. my whole family was there. for years, we'd played cards and she'd tell me how people her age really shouldn't live so long. she wasn't suicidal, she just realized that she really did look forward to playing bingo for pennies and she wished that she didn't. she wished that the highlight of her day wasn't what was for dinner in her assisted living place, that she wasn't so excited for morning exercises that consisted of raising and lowering arms and moving her head side to side. she was ready. she was a wonderfully sweet, compassionate woman who i loved with all my heart. but she'd had a full life and she was ready to be with my grandpa.

a week ago, i sat by my father-in-law's bed when he died. i was half-awake. my sister-in-law woke us up so we could be there. he waited for us. he waited for his son, his daughter, his wife and maybe, for me. we'd all been there for almost seven days, holding his hand, playing his favorite music, telling him about how much we loved him. but he wasn't ready. i don't know if you can ever be ready. maybe my grandma wasn't ready but it just seemed like she was. maybe he was ready at the end when he couldn't tell us. i know he's at peace, but the road is so difficult. the love you experience when you are with someone at that time is overwhelming, as is the pain. it is something i soon won't forget. it has changed my reality. it has changed my life.

and i miss him.