Black Tuesday

I wish that I could blame my horribly bad mood on something like PMS, but I think that would be untrue since the timing is all wrong. I shouldn't say it's a horribly bad mood, but there is this little dark cloud that came around yesterday and it seems to be hanging over my head like a broken umbrella. Maybe my psyche is just getting ready for vacation, as if I need to be miserable right before a vacation to really enjoy it?

Along with the short stories I'm reading for my fiction class, I'm reading this book called, "Zen and the Art of Making a Living." It's okay, but for the most part, it's difficult to read and not all that helpful. It is helpful in a sense because it makes me realize that I'm not crazy for wanting a job that is fulfilling, but after nearly 3 months at home, I'd just like to have a job that gets me out of the house.

I originally planned to take a sabattical starting this Friday. I had planned to quit my job and take a few months off without pay. I was so frustrated with what I was doing and so convinced that it wasn't right for me that I was honestly planning to just quit and live off of my man for awhile. So what's the difference? Why doesn't it seem possible to just search for awhile? And instead, I fill my days with meetings and work and I like about half of it and the other half I think could be distracting me from what I should be doing.

I don't know if it is the unemployment checks or the post lay-off bitterness that causes me to feel like I am not able to take this time as my sabattical. And what should I be doing anyway? Blogging? Volunteering? Watching all of the episodes of Sex and the City that I missed? I can't even bring myself to turn on the TV during the day. I am the poster child for workaholic America and unfortunately, there is no methadone clinic for workaholics. Maybe Mexico will help me really kick the habit. Maybe 7 days in the sun at a swim up bar will help. Sadly, I think that it won't, but it doesn't hurt to hope.