back on the horse

today, i went to the gym for the first time in months. after the horrendous summer and fall, i just stopped going. it seemed like one more thing that i couldn't handle doing. the new job and the travel both seemed like great excuses too. but my trainer (who temporarily lives in cincinatti) and her husband (hottie's trainer) opened a new gym. we took our membership from the ywca (not a bad place) to statera.

so today, i got myself a new program, discovered that i'm still in about the same place i was in september, and got back in the groove. i'm hoping it keeps. and tomorrow, i think i'll be feeling it.

jazz for everyone

last night, i saw the jazz mandolin project at the dakota. they were spectacular and the crowd was hilarious. the kind brothers with their tie-dyes and snow hats, boomers with their wine and cheese and then us. and of course, i refuse to stereotype myself. i'd rather read about that in the comments or something. but it was great fun.

i realized that i'm getting old though. the show started at 7 and when they kicked us out at 9 (the next set was starting at 9:30) i was happy to head home. in fact, i was sleepy. and it wasn't just the jazz.

eighteen again

i brought an old cd in the car today. i hadn't listened to it in ten years. it just jumped off the shelf. listening to it was such a visceral experience. as if i'd stumbled upon a distinct smell that catapulted me to another time.

it brought me back to college. my best friend at the time (who has made plenty of new best friends and i hope is somewhere alive and well in the world), he and i would lay on the floor of his room and listen to this album, its words full of sorrow and melancholy.

"do you think about dying?" he'd ask
"not anymore." i'd say.
"do you think we'll always know each other?"
"yes."
"even if i lived in alaska?"
"i'd write to you if you lived on a boat and the mail only came once a year."

and we'd stare at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the chaos.

listening to that cd reminded me that the chaos was really quite peaceful and that he still is my friend, even if he lives in alaska or on a boat. someday, maybe we'll run into each other. "do you remember?" i'll ask

and like most memories, he'll have no recollection of it at all. but we'll hug and meet each other's families. and somewhere, i'd know that best friends, like memories, are a great state of mind. especially when you are eighteen.

springtime for minnesota

i've learned so much about myself at my new job. like the fact that people who live in other parts of the country think people are crazy to live in minnesota. it's as if they think we live in igloos or something.

but then a day like today hits. it's supposed to be 50 degrees today. it completely sums up minnesota insanity.

all you want is to spend the entire day outside, yet there is nothing to do outside this time of year. sure, you can jog. more power to the joggers. but i'm still in hibernation and it would completely throw off my body's clock if i suddenly ran outside today.

there's no gardening, no outdoor seating at coffee shops. just puddles of melted snow and a bunch of bug-eyed people who are able to stave off cabin fever for a few more days with a few hours spent outside. yeah, we are crazy. but not many people in our country get to enjoy ice rinks in their backyards for free. or get that feeling of freedom and happiness on a 50 degree day in february.

blissful joy!

stress

considering i started this job when i had no job, i now can say that i've experienced unemployed and employed stress and it's honestly pretty much the same. i'm now convinced that life is just one big bucket of stress and we get to figure out how to manage, deal and not split apart from it.

i suppose i can feel good that a hard day's work doesn't include stalking animals through the woods so i can eat dinner. or that i don't have to wash my clothes with one of those old-fashioned washing machines. in fact, i don't know that i could even describe a hard day's work. except that it sometimes makes me want to come home and sleep, or crawl under my desk and scream. i earn frequent flier miles, figure out how to get totally crazy projects done and try to make lawyers happy. some folks would call that herding cats. i call it helping rabid dogs. once you manage to inoculate them, they seem to be much happier with you. you just have to avoid being bit in the process.

so right now, i feel like a hole might be forming in my stomach. but that will probably go away, right?