in flight

so i'm headed to phoenix today. after six months with this laptop, i've finally figured out how to get online at the airport without going crazy (and without getting booted off). this may do wonders for my ability to post regularly.

my company has this huge conference at a resort each year. this is my first time there, so i'm a bit nervous. i mean, i'm not the kind of minnesotan who has much in the way of resort wear. high-end resort wear....it's just not part of my wardrobe. so after plenty of stressing out and shopping (one of my most detested tasks) i found myself with four days of resort-wear. and my guess is, i'll get there and realize that i didn't need anything new at all and that people in phoenix wear black too.

it's weird, in only six months, i've gone from a consultant with flexible hours, minimal stress, a spotless house and 10,000 frequent flier miles to a corporate manager with ridiculous hours (because I include the hours that i wake up at night thinking about it), 90,000 frequent flier miles and a house under construction. i'm not sure if it equates to progress or not. but i guess i'll have to board the plane now.

oh my aching neck

so i really thought this one would be different. probably like when an alcoholic (who hasn't quite come to terms with the problem) thinks that one beer won't derail progress. yep...i totally thought this job would be different. and it was. it was different for about five months. granted, those five months were spent in mourning and shock. i wasn't fully in my body and certainly wasn't in control of most of my emotions. my head wasn't in it, which was probably a good thing.

well then i started to emerge from my cocoon. and yes, i still have the job, but now the job has me. just like before. i dream about it, i wake up at 5 am thinking about it, i can't get it out of my mind. i bring my laptop home so i can finish up my work. it's sick. and of course, just like the old days, i can't move my neck. my question is....how do you deal with workaholic-ness when you still need to have a job? i mean, really?

i've tried working out. in fact, of the four days last week that i woke up at 5am, i went straight to the gym for three of them. it helped. i don't think about work when i'm at the gym. i just sweat. and listen to music. and read the new yorker. but at night, if i wake up, the little ticker tape starts. work just crosses my frontal lobe incessantly. like some sick fucking song on repeat. sometimes if i write down what is on the tape, i can fall back asleep. but sometimes not. or sometime, i fall back asleep and then i dream about the tape and the cast of characters and it's like being at work with my eyes closed.

and somehow, i don't think getting a job at starbucks would help. at least, it wouldn't help my neck. poor thing!

guys on the train

the other day, i went to chicago for work and i decided to visit my cousin. actually, she's my grandma's cousin, but i think that makes her my cousin too. i took the metra out to lagrange. she lives in a really nice assisted living place. started out in a cottage twelve years ago and is now in an apartment getting help on a daily basis. but she's still so independent. i am so proud of her. and we such a wonderful visit.

but that was not what i intended to write about. really, it's about the guys on the train. i found myself surrounded by men in suits, headed for the suburbs. they cracked open their cans of beer and talked about sales and networking. it was this strange community. so different than anything i'd seen before. the two guys in front of me were swilling their miller lite. the two guys across the aisle had guinness. the miller guys tried to arrange a trade, but failed miserably. a hilarious sight to behold, i tell you.

and now i'm off to bed. in pittsburgh. marriott city center. so exciting.

ms. pac-man

my favorite game, but really has not a thing to do with this post. i'm thinking of packs, but not video games. i'm just completely amazed by how humans operate in packs. i notice it everywhere, but particularly at my new place of employment. i'm one of those people who picks up on relationships - who likes who, who hates who, who owes who a gigantic favor. i used to like this information because it seemed to be helpful in times of need. like a warped sort of barter system. but that only serves to get people in trouble. unless you are at the top of the heap, where relationships matter on a whole different scale, i find that it is fine to know information, but sharing it is a different story. information has to be parceled out carefully. who do you trust? what could come back to bite you in the ass? those kinds of questions become increasingly important to answer. people gather together, they form alliances for protection, socialization and for fulfillment. it's a weird thing to watch and an even weirder thing to understand.

i hate to think of myself as a political animal, but sometimes, i just can't help it. i think it is because people like to talk to me. and while i try to keep all information in this secure vault called my brain, some of it just leaks out. sometimes because i want it to and sometimes because i can't help it. in the end, i hope that i make decent decisions about who to trust, but you never know who is a ghost and who is your pac-man.

cryptic enough? on a lighter note, none of it is earthshattering or interesting enough for me to actually care all that much. i just think it makes for an interesting observation.