Black Tuesday

I wish that I could blame my horribly bad mood on something like PMS, but I think that would be untrue since the timing is all wrong. I shouldn't say it's a horribly bad mood, but there is this little dark cloud that came around yesterday and it seems to be hanging over my head like a broken umbrella. Maybe my psyche is just getting ready for vacation, as if I need to be miserable right before a vacation to really enjoy it?

Along with the short stories I'm reading for my fiction class, I'm reading this book called, "Zen and the Art of Making a Living." It's okay, but for the most part, it's difficult to read and not all that helpful. It is helpful in a sense because it makes me realize that I'm not crazy for wanting a job that is fulfilling, but after nearly 3 months at home, I'd just like to have a job that gets me out of the house.

I originally planned to take a sabattical starting this Friday. I had planned to quit my job and take a few months off without pay. I was so frustrated with what I was doing and so convinced that it wasn't right for me that I was honestly planning to just quit and live off of my man for awhile. So what's the difference? Why doesn't it seem possible to just search for awhile? And instead, I fill my days with meetings and work and I like about half of it and the other half I think could be distracting me from what I should be doing.

I don't know if it is the unemployment checks or the post lay-off bitterness that causes me to feel like I am not able to take this time as my sabattical. And what should I be doing anyway? Blogging? Volunteering? Watching all of the episodes of Sex and the City that I missed? I can't even bring myself to turn on the TV during the day. I am the poster child for workaholic America and unfortunately, there is no methadone clinic for workaholics. Maybe Mexico will help me really kick the habit. Maybe 7 days in the sun at a swim up bar will help. Sadly, I think that it won't, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Return of the Bitterness

Today was not a good day. Major bitterness came out of nowhere. I think it may be because this Friday will mark the day that I had planned to quit my job. I don't know if that is really it, or not, but I'm in such a sour mood that it seems I should be able to pin it on something, right? Yes, I had planned for my last day to be Friday, March 5th, after which my 401K would be partially vested and I would've received an end of year bonus. Alas, none of those things happened. I suppose the flip side is that the Department of Economic Security is helping me bridge the gap and I am left with some amount of bitterness.

I've also been continuing on the informational interview kick and I think I need to be done for awhile. I mean, I'm getting plenty of decent information, but in general, I feel farther and farther away from any sort of resolution. Granted, I know that life is a process and not a destination. I get all of that in theory. In practice? Well, it's difficult to sit around knowing that you want to be doing something meaningful, yet at any moment in time, baking bread can seem as meaningful and fulfilling as public health. Or helping small business owners seems as meaningful as writing short stories. Or volunteering for a political campaign could be fulfilling alongside working at Starbucks. Yeah. Where the hell is my magic 8 ball?